ANOTHER SALT ADDING TO THE LIFE

What a day….I had breakfast with a colleague early this morning and when I came back to the office and sign in to my FB account, I saw a message from my dear hubby. He started by saying, “I have a bad news…” and ended it with “are you angry with me?” He is not kidding when he said that it was a bad news. As planned, he is to coming home to us by today as usual and spending the 2 limited days of weekend with his family, his wife and kids after a whole week being afar from each other.

As in normal days and usually, I am not easy to get angry over things but this times, after some horrible things that has happened in this couple of weeks, it really got into my nerves. I just can’t help myself but to get it out from my chest..my hurting chest.

When I accepted the offer to work here (Bintulu), the decision was made for the sake of the family’s future and most importantly, for the children’s future. We were positively sure that we will have to make some sacrifice, the most obvious one is we will be separated by more than 100 miles from each other. We (my hubby and me) were pretty scared by the picture (I knew he was scared even he didn’t say it) of me and the kids living alone here, without any friends and family to turn to in case we are in need. The town so new and foreign to us and the girls are just so little and innocent.

Well, my hubby said that he has to be on traveling by this evening to rural area in Kanowit district, named Ulu Poi because our beloved YB is coming to that area to registering everyone from that area to enable them to vote in the coming election (and of course they are killing 2 birds with a stone) and apparently that involving the department at where hubby is working and he has to go too. And that area is about 5-6 hours from Kanowit town, once they are there, you can't get in touch with them because there is no phone signal there (and you pray every day so there will be nothing happen to your husband and there is no way for people to inform you) and they are only to comeback the day after tomorrow, that is Sunday. So, can he say NO? That is not an option obviously..

And how do I reacted to that?

I was very upset of course and after everything we’ve been through from the previous months and last couple of week, I just can’t hold it anymore and I complaint on my FB wall. I was so angry by the prospect that, that 2 days weekend that we waited for the whole week so the girls can see their father..so, I can at last talk to someone about what we’ve gone through the whole week and of course, we miss him the whole time from Monday until Friday…and the plan suddenly all gone…

Last couple of weeks, I cried myself almost every night because the girls were sick and I was helplessly almost can’t cope with everything, the work and 2 sick kids at home. I had to asked permission from my employer to came back home after 2-3 hours of working hours for worrying to death of their situation. And at the same time, I was having that weird lump underneath my armpit and I almost lost my sanity thinking that I can’t get sick or having any illnesses because my children are desperately depending on me. I had to bear the pain to myself and being strong for the children. It was terrible and I do not at any point, suggesting that experience to anyone..not that anyone want that thou. I was so scared, I didn’t want to have medical check up by myself so I decided to wait for my hubby to come but by Friday, of course he can’t came back that early and I just missed my appointment. And by that time, the lump has gone. BUT now, I think I am having it on the other side of my body, underneath my armpit. And it does hurt..but how can I complaint when everyone here have to turn to me on everything and when you are a ‘back bone’, you have to be as strong as a steel. And again, we are alone.

Yes..I blamed everything and everyone that I could think of. I blamed the government (hubby is a government servant) for having their lousy system, requiring their staffs to work on weekend when that time is suppose to be spent with the family. Especially when you only can see them once in a week, for 2 days only. I blamed the YB for being so inconsiderate taking those men off their value time with their family. I blamed the highest management of their department for delaying hubby’s transfer process with excuse after excuse. I blame the system..yes..the lousy system when others so easily can get their transfer done, even the office required other person with the same post to transfer to other division (and he has a family to moved with him) so, the transferee can be posted to her choice of place, of course without purely agreement (but no choice) from the original post holder. I blamed them when, the ‘red tape’ is a burden to their employees. Why when a one day job (can be done in 1 day) have to go through the whole lot of level of actions and very time consuming? When the Japanese becoming so far ahead of us because of their timing value and a good time cost management, we still enjoying others suffering to wait and wait and wait for their (the employer, the government..whatever or whoever it is) action? I really want to hear their (whoever they are) explanation on what good does all those red tapes to us, as a person, an employee, employer or a country?

And I know, some will say I am talking rubbish here. But you are welcome to try it dear, 2 kids in hand, missing your husband like hell after a week separated and have to worry like hell when he needs to travel each Friday night for almost 4 hours to be with his family? When your children asking you, “where is daddy” for every single day and you have to hold your tears and explain that to them and wept yourself to slept, knowing that you have no choice but to sacrifice that much for getting some little extra for what ‘that employer’ pay your husband every month? How am I not to be angry when as a wife, I was left almost every weekend night by my husband because he was requiring to be on travel but at the end when the ‘employer’ supposed to pay for their (employers) sweat, they cut down the claim? How am I to be patient when an offer to change to other post at new rate of pay dated a year ago but only done in this year? How am I to stand it all when all the cost for traveling back and forth to be with his family consumed almost RM500 a month?

And why are we doing this? If it is too hard for us, then why are we willing to do it?

THEN: what choice do we have but to rely on the so call ‘employer’ their understanding so that we can have a better way of life? All we are asking is, stop the red tape, start thinking like a human being instead of ‘thinking technically like a system’ so people will be happier working with them and no family have to choose to be together or to have a better life but not together.

If I am to be call a ‘no brain’ because I want what best for us and we deserve it as an employee and a citizen, then, I will give you the pass. I am not a brainer. So what..I just want my husband to be granted his transfer so my children will have their father and we can pursue our aim. If I am a stupid because I felt upset because my husband can’t come home this weekend but has to work on the days that they had given to their staffs as their off days..then many wife and mother are stupid too I guess.

BUT there is one thing I am very sure of, if you do not understand or refuse to understand of what I am feeling now and judging me by acting tough on this, then you still can’t say that you are human enough to understand others as a human too. A human will not react to nothing unless he is insane enough to be put in an asylum.

And how I wish everyone else that do not understand will experience the same thing..no less, no extra, so we will know what does ‘emotion’ mean. Am I stupid for being emotional and needing support from others to go through my situation? You tell me..am I that bad showing my emotion and spoke out all those things that I can see (of course I can’t see all..I am not a genius here..I am the stupid one). And of course I spoke out my mind, honestly from my mind of what we are having through. How I wish people can try others life just like they are putting their feet in others shoes. I am not trying to answer a quiz here and give all the right answer, I just pointed out my own point of view and being angry for the lack of the awareness and asking and wishing for the appropriate action to be taken so that no family is separated because they want to have a better life.

Instead of being so defensive why not this people, look through what is not there and try to do the repair?

If you are a restaurant operator, if a customer said that your soup is too salty, instead of scold back the customer, easier if we lessen the salt. Or am I wrong too? Why can’t we trying to be more understanding of others difficulty?

Well…I apologize if I did sometimes really tough on my statement but I think I have the right to.

And I can foresee that in next year, if hubby is still not granted his transfer, my life will be more hectic for one of the girl will be in her pre school. Just imagine how fun it is, handling everything by your own and cry at night after you think that you almost can’t do it in the afternoon.

If I am to choose, I prefer my hubby to be in private line. More open opportunity and choices. Not bound to any ridiculous red tape but have more chances to move forward based on his own performance..but of course I can’t choose for him. It is his decision and definitely, if he choose the later, many will call him stupid too. But I will always by his side no matter what he choose. If he is stupid then he is my stupid husband, not others.

But many I’ve found very understanding thou. That is just what I needed..I didn’t say a specific name and scold them ‘membabi buta’ but I just spilled out what I felt and being honest with it. If I am so wrong, why then so many did agree with me? Maybe because they are just understand and wisely knew that what I want is support, not a correction and judgment.

Apart from that, all goes very well today. I am sad and missing my husband and the girls too but I do feel better and I am glad for having so many friends that is willing to accept me as who I am. Friends that know when to debating right or wrong and know when the time is correct to be just supportive.

But I am not offended, nor do I blaming any other person at thinking of what they are thinking. I am me, I am not perfect, I am not clever and definitely not a beauty..;) I am just an ordinary person struggling from the lowest point of my life to have a better life and am still struggling but do take something into mind, I am a Scorpio and I have been through almost everything that people will think as impossible and I can survive all that, so sometimes, when people questioned my wisdom, they hit the most dangerous point that there is in me. I might not ‘selling’ all the greatness about myself but that is because I don’t like to bragging.

So, always be humble and true to ourselves. Acting arrogant will not bring anyone to any way. May be people nod their head but not necessary agree with us. If we are to think we are good, more out there is better than us, I am very sure of it.

And now, I just need to live it day after day, being thankful for everything He throw to me even if it hurts sometimes because I know, He can see how strong I am then He test me. For the sake of the children, hopefully what we are going through right now will make us stronger.

So thank you to all friends that had given their comfort words and asking in concern towards my well being, I am really grateful for them. They are the best of persons I could have as friends even most of them never see me in person. Maybe we can see more of that person through their writing then…

Last but not least, always be grateful and try to be more concern toward others might give us more wisdom.

Until we meet again…may God bless you all…

Humble me;

-Jess-

*actually this is prepare at 10.07 pm, Friday night at my home and I will post it to jessysvoice early in the morning*