Friday, July 23, 2010

Marriage In My Eyes

Good morning all...

Actually there is a lot of things in my mind but I don't really have time to express everything out in here, for now, I am back to 8-5 again plus, mother duty after that, plus my life insurance service that I need to maintain to my clients and also my online boutique, Galasuri e-boutique that takes almost of my time to myself away. So, when I stop, I was either too tired to write any entry here or I was just pampered myself and be lazy...

But I really interested in a discussion at one of my friend's wall in facebook about the reason why the rate of divorce is increasing in Malaysia. Like always, I never can stop my own opinion but that is what the purpose rite? to share and discuss...either you are pro or contra, you do contribute.

Well..I am not the perfect person to talk about marriage I guess for I myself have failed in my previous marriage but I am never too ashamed to admit it for that is one of the reason I can get up once again now, standing here and preparing for my next step. My entry here is not to judge anyone or to justify anything but just to share some of my view about this topic. That is why I put the title : Marriage In My Eyes..it is truly, purely from my own opinion, based on my own experience, not from anyone else. Hopefully this sharing will shed some light into our life.

When I was first married, I was just 19 years old. When I looked back at that day and if I am now, giving any chance to change anything, I'd say, I will back away..

Factor (I) Age

I know some said that, it's nothing to do with age, because it was done all through this time, from our ancestors time more than 50 years ago, our great grandparent was married as early as 13 years old, and that is true..my parent when they were married, my father was just 18 and my mothers was 13 years old.

But, does it fair to compare these two distance generation to our time now? Before, when our parent were married, when our great grandparent were married, they was no what we called "city". No outside influence as much as now in the big city. When they were paired with they chosen partner, they have no much choice but to stick to each other and focusing in survived their daily life, that was at that time, went into the wood and hunting or maybe did the farming tasks.

Now, we have hundreds type of entertainment, millions of opportunities, the world is larger, our social circle is getting bigger. Somehow, these young couple will look out through their 'window' and realised that this is not they want. Or they want more...so the marriage is just a barrier from what they should have or what their future should look like.

A young husband might think, 'I am still young, I should have friends and enjoy my life, not stuck here with this too much of commitment (many knows how afraid a man of a commitment)'

And a young wife might think 'I am just 20 and I am smart, I should have a degree and work as an executive right now, dress beautifully and have many admirer to send me flowers, not sitting here and being a servant in my own home, never going out and enjoy my life..'

Preparing ourselves to enter a marriage life or get a certificate before we say we do? But then, it is just on the paper, theory. Actual life can't be study through a book. Actual marriage life is something to do with maturity and responsibility and we are not going to find them in any book.

So, at the end, they will getting tired of each other and divorce is the only way out. Maybe not many is lucky enough or strong enough to start all over again and end well after that, but still for me..age and preparation is the main factor.

Factor (II) The Reason

When going to be marry couple, asked the why question, I can bet the number one answer will be, "because we love each other"

Why do we want to get married to each other and why now?

Honestly, when I was married for the 1st time, I didn't really know what I was doing actually. Our parent (after seeing us dating each other for about 2 years) made all the decision. They choosed the date, they choosed the restaurant, choosed the guests, choosed not to be married at church and luckily they choosed to pay for it too..

But to tell you the truth, I did not feel proud of it. And it (all the decision by others) ate me up sometimes later. My fault for being so stupid, did not say no. Did not say 'I am not ready' or 'I want to have a job first'. That was the biggest mistake ever, not knowing what we want ourself and being carried away by what we though as a eternity love at the age of 19 or 20!!

Well, proven being romantic did not help at all then..young heart started to cracked when they realised there were so much more they want and need in their life. So, being in love might not be the right reason to be married then...but what will??

What about wanting to settle down our own life..of course after we are very very ready for it..After the age of 25 some might have a good job and started to think that 'This is the time..I can support a family of my own" or at that age, a man will say..think its time to stop the jollying and have someone to care for me.

Love tself is very abstract, when you are in love doesn't mean that you are ready to commit and shouldered the responsibility. But of course, many do not aware of this.

Or a girl decided to be married at the age of 18, abandoned her college and aim just because she mistakenly, stupidly, do not know about safe sex and landed herself in the base of motherhood in that very early of age? Who should we blame? The school for not teaching about safe sex education? The parent for not provided their daughter with the knowledge? The boyfriend for being even more stupid, knowing himself scared like hell to be responsible and being a father at 18 and forget about condom when they can't stand the lust?

Anything, everything, we come back to the reason again...force marriage because of the girlfriend was pregnant is not much different than a suicide to a boy. How do we as a parent, let our children do this? Sex before marriage is very much unavoidable this days..why don't we open our heart and face the fact then? Instead of forcing ourself to believe that our children will not doing it because they are sooo...nice and a good child, why not we prepare them the knowledge of having the safe sex then??

Do not bargain with the reason of the marriage. Force marriage will never get you to where you want. Married because you really ready for it. Never married anyone because you felt sorry for them, because you felt obliged to pay someone's good deeds..that is another wrong reason to get married for me. Because my friends, part from everything else, love does play a role..because I myself, believe in true love, so marrying someone that you do not love naturally also not a good choice..so, be carefull with whatever reason you want to be marry to your partner or else, again you might be in the statistic like me..

Factor (III) Financial Issue

Do not take for granted this one. Especially the ladies out there. Do not say, you will be happy only with your true love, because your heart might full of love but your stomach might not dear...;)

Maybe this romantic partner will not have the issue in the 1st few years but wait until you have another mouth to feed and you definitely can't feed them maggie mee..."Only the rich will say, money is not important" how that is true and correct. Be practical is what the poor always do..saying that money is not important is just a methapor for the rich..that is because they already have the money.

Imagine yourself, a wife...ok..a housewife. Staying at home with 2 small kids. Your husband is just a labour at the site bringing home RM1500 a month. Well, do some maths..house rental RM300, utilities bill RM100, telephone RM50, car loan (a family with 2 kids need a car) RM300, the kids formula, 1 tin each week cost RM45 (x 4 weeks) equal to RM180, fuel for the car RM200, kitchen supply RM300....now the total is RM1430 already. And you as the wife would not have any chance to be on holiday, eat in a fancy restaurant, shop for nice dress because there is a financial issue in the house.

A woman is just an ordinary human being...she can see her friends and relative wearing jeweleries, can see her friends have good job and can support themselves very well. When she was 45 years old the question will be "what have I done all this while? taking care of others but me myself lost in nowhere?"

And a wife to this situation won't have much choice, they can't have their hair done, they can't wear nice outfits because if they do, their children will starve to death, so they have to accept what they have and live with that.

Then the husband...if you can't afford to buy your wife a nice dress, can't afford to provide for her beauty expenses, you might going home in another 5 years and seeing a fat, ugly wife of yours. How is that? You don't mind? Come on...don't ever trick yourself..

Then the climax of the drama, the husband will start to get many crazy ideas in his head. "My wife so scary with her double chin, swagging cheeks and layers and layers of tummy..." And the end, they will never know it when they started to have the imagination of having something different. The problem is, men do not age easily and do not get fat as a housewife will do.

The wife will be angry because the husband do not provide enoguh for them and the husband will be happy to have another reason to materialised his imagination. Again, the closure will come to the addition of the statistic.

Factor (V) Interference

Interfere...interfere..interfer...hmm. I even had this issue long time ago. Okay, in a marriage home, they should not be any other person that can or should interfere. If you are a husband, do not ask your mother of when should you started to have a child of your own. Do not ask your mummy whether your wife should working or stay at home. Do not ask your mother which house should you buy for your family. DO NOT!! Because we, the wife hate a husband that always referring to his mother. We have no place for mummy boy!! If you want to be a good son, you will never ever be a good husband. Believe me in this.

Once you married, stay alone with your family (not your parent's family). Be independent is sweets although it might be hard. Sometimes, being in difficulty together will make the bond stronger and the love deeper. Do not treat your wife as a "stupido".

And for a wife, never looked down on your husband but encourage them. They might not be your favourite man of the year once you are married but no two persons are the same.

Too much interference from family members is not a heathy marriage and this also contribute to the break up of many home too.

Factor (IV) The Attitude itself

Now, lets talk about this. ATTITUDE..some people I admired them very much. I have few friends that has been married at a very young age and they still can make it until now. So you might want to yell at me..TOLD U SOO!!!

Well, I am very aware that not every couple that married at young age will face failure. No, absolutely no. I just want to emphasis on some of the reasons that contribute to the statistic of the divorce in our country.

Because some friends also did talk about "putting ourself in the lowest stage/level of our own life..." so I just want to remind us all here that, no one want to be a divorcee, not me. Everyone want to live a fairytale life, happy ever after. But who are to decide on our own unknown future then?

But some really are just a pain in the ass..mind my language. I have been im marketing line in quite a time already and I have known few people that really can't be rely on as a partner. A husband, abandon his wife because he just can't think straight with his brain when his dick is 'straight'. I will not say anything if the wife is as terrible as he as a husband, but the wife is such a good wife, a husband can find. Still, he choosed to hurt the partner and break his own home.

And Ive known some wife that really are ungrateful as a wife. Spending their husband's paycheck and bringing their home to a disaster, with long que of debts and loan.

If we are a wife, share the burden so we will understand how hard it is to gain the paycheck. If you are a husband, share the house chores so you will understand how tired we are after we finished at night when you want sex.

There is one particular I've heard and like "fix something if you want sex". I think that is fair enough.

Divorce happened because women are getting smarter and they just don't want to have to wait for someone but they live's itself is being unappreciated. I still have strong believe that love is not impossible but our attitude keen to destroy everything that we'd builded.

Lastly, I would like to apologize if whatever I'd write here did hurt someone. My purpose in writing is just to share..I might not write it nicely but for me what most important is I honestly, genuinely, express my own opinion through this good way..writing.

Again, there is no intention to judge anyone, because me, myself is just an ordinary person, not a perfect one and I always open up for honest discussion.

No comments:

Post a Comment